Fear

I remember well back when I lived in Globe, AZ and was in the Junior High. I played both football and wrestling – two sports that require a great deal of physical endurance. Given the physical rigors of the sports, the practices are often very physically difficult. For example, I remember football practice where we would scrimmage hard, we would do tackling practice, we would run sprints, laps, do bear craws and up downs, push-ups and sit-ups, and all other forms of physical training. I remember dreading these practices every day. I would get a sick feeling in my stomach, a feeling of dread and wondering if I would be able to survive the practice. I enjoyed football, and played for 6 years, starting on whatever squad I was on each year, but always dreaded practice. Up through my senior year of football, I would feel a little sick at the end of each school day, knowing that after class, practice would come and I would be worked hard.

I am, at heart, a very scared person. Anyone who knows me well knows that I often get very anxious about things, especially difficult things that I will be required to do. Regardless of my knowledge of how I will do these things, or my past experience with them, I often get scared. This fear extended even to non-physical things, and before every semester at BYU I would be scared, wondering if this would be the semester that I was found out and failed all my classes. This fear drove me to act irrationally, dropping several classes and changing teachers at the last minute.

I am currently in the car headed for Michigan, where I will be going to school. From all accounts, it is a very difficult thing to do. And, as with everything else, I am very scared. My stomach feels a little bit uneasy. I know of my problem, but despite my rational ability to understand what happens to me, I cannot overcome my irrational fear. And, that is that.